Once in a while I will read a 'Dear Abby' column in the paper. This is mainly to revel in other people's misery, short-sightedness, and a general lack of being rooted in reality. These people make really bad decisions, and they only seek out the enlightened answers from Abigail Van Buren. This is a widely syndicated column, and I found that people enjoy it. However, you need a second opinion sometimes, so I figured I would assume the role of Abigails younger brother, Ted. Ted Van Buren will now start offering a second opinion...
DEAR ABBY: My father absolutely refuses to turn off the ignition when fueling his car, despite the warning signs at the pump. How can I convince him to stop endangering himself and my mother? -- WORRIED DOWN SOUTH
DEAR WORRIED: Motorists are instructed to "Stop Motor" while refueling for good reason. Gasoline is highly flammable. However, it is not actually the liquid that burns. Even at temperatures as low as 45 degrees, gasoline gives off vapor.
It is the vapors that ignite. Gasoline vapor is heavier than air, so when it ignites, it does so at ground level. All it takes to create a violent explosion is fuel vapors, enough oxygen and a source of ignition. A spark from a cigarette, a hot exhaust pipe, faulty wiring, static electricity or the vapor reaching an open flame -- all can cause gasoline vapors to explode.
Please show this item to your father. Perhaps it will convince him to be more safety conscious. If there is an attendant at the gas station your father frequents, frankly, I am shocked that the person hasn't insisted your father turn off the engine.
Dear Down South,
My sister once again fails to see the big picture, as she usually does. I am going to venture some guesses as to why your father seems to be endangering you:
1. This is a pretty simple equation to solve (Family + Gas + Ignition Source = No More Bullshit).
2. I am willing to guess your Dad probably enjoys a smoke while he pumps gas.
3. I bet also that you arrived to the gas station via eastbound in the westbound lane.
4. Your Dad may be the classic southern thrill-billy that we learned to love with the Duke boys, and given the fact that you and your mom have sucked every last resource from his broken soul, he can no longer afford a "General Lee". He is obviously seeking alternative ways to find a "thrill", as gas station explosions tend to give the adrenaline a little jump.
5. Ask Ted Nugent about signs posted by the government, I dare you.
6. If your Dad doesn't take advice from signs posted next to the gas pump, clearly he will take advice from my sister.
Enjoy the ride Captain Paranoid,
Love,
Ted Van Buren
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Dear Flabby...
Alright, some of you know me for my entertaining videos that I did on Youtube and Facebook. I trended towards something that kind of resembled entertainment/ humor, but also provided a valuable service... I tested infomercial products, at least the ones I could get my hands on for free, or nearly free. I stepped back a while, but I started this blog in hopes of creating something a little off center that I could use to entertain, and perhaps use as a compass for LNC. I have arrived at my latest brain-child, and that would be "Dear Flabby".
"Dear Flabby" will work like this: Once a week I take my favorite Dear Abby column, and instead of Abby's response, you will see a kinder, gentler response that I create. What could go wrong?
In my prediction, nothing.
This will stay Late Night Commerce, but I will weekly do my "Dear Flabby" column. First one will go up Monday morning at 5am, so I look forward to people following it.
"Dear Flabby" will work like this: Once a week I take my favorite Dear Abby column, and instead of Abby's response, you will see a kinder, gentler response that I create. What could go wrong?
In my prediction, nothing.
This will stay Late Night Commerce, but I will weekly do my "Dear Flabby" column. First one will go up Monday morning at 5am, so I look forward to people following it.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Manufacturing Rumors
I want to start a Facebook rumor.
However, it can't hurt anyone, and can't do any permanent long term damage. That means my options are limited, but in reality I should be able to cook up something pretty good that can be easily verified if its true or not true at all. I want to do this because I am tired of the way Facebook gives way to the mentality of "so and so is nice enough, so it must be true".
A lot of people I know are smart, very smart in fact. However if you throw them into another planet called Facebook, the herd mentality rules. People become "Sheeple", and go with a cascading of information, especially if it supports what they believe socially, religiously, politically, etc. It bothers me that people have stopped thinking in an age where a diverse and large body of information is available almost instantly via the Internet.
But back to my rumor... I want it to be so painfully obvious that its misleading and not true, but people will spread it anyway because fact checking takes time, so its easier to pass it down the pipe because someone else can figure it out. I have called a lot of people on it and usually they delete the post, or delete my comment, and then usually decide that I am no longer part of their circle.
This brings me to a another question: Why is it not okay to call bull on something that is bull? If you correct someone, or point out that its a rumor with no truth, people think you are being mean spirited and indirectly calling them dumb. Sometimes this is the case, because we can all be dumb. I think its the public calling out of someone that really twists people the wrong way, but I think its a good thing to call them out in a public format and here's why: They will check a viral email, or message before re posting it and thus avoid being called out more than once.
Now I will go even further with this line of thinking...
You can tell a smoker that smoking is bad for them, because smoking is on the outs socially in America. You can also call people out on drinking too much, snorting too much blow, smoking too much weed, or shooting the H. What makes these things the same? They are things that are not clearly visible to the discerning eye. The biggest problem we have in the United States today is an obesity epidemic and all the baggage that goes with it (Type II diabetes, heart disease, etc.) yet you cannot go up to someone and tell them to drop the waffle fries with liquid cheese and bacon because they are too fat. The double standard, and I try not to fall prey to it.
We, as a culture, need to be able to identify our strengths and weakness' and be able to take criticism for what it is... Something we need to improve upon, and someone was nice enough to point it out for us.
But for the time being, I will stick to making things up on the Internet.
-Jon Pee
However, it can't hurt anyone, and can't do any permanent long term damage. That means my options are limited, but in reality I should be able to cook up something pretty good that can be easily verified if its true or not true at all. I want to do this because I am tired of the way Facebook gives way to the mentality of "so and so is nice enough, so it must be true".
A lot of people I know are smart, very smart in fact. However if you throw them into another planet called Facebook, the herd mentality rules. People become "Sheeple", and go with a cascading of information, especially if it supports what they believe socially, religiously, politically, etc. It bothers me that people have stopped thinking in an age where a diverse and large body of information is available almost instantly via the Internet.
But back to my rumor... I want it to be so painfully obvious that its misleading and not true, but people will spread it anyway because fact checking takes time, so its easier to pass it down the pipe because someone else can figure it out. I have called a lot of people on it and usually they delete the post, or delete my comment, and then usually decide that I am no longer part of their circle.
This brings me to a another question: Why is it not okay to call bull on something that is bull? If you correct someone, or point out that its a rumor with no truth, people think you are being mean spirited and indirectly calling them dumb. Sometimes this is the case, because we can all be dumb. I think its the public calling out of someone that really twists people the wrong way, but I think its a good thing to call them out in a public format and here's why: They will check a viral email, or message before re posting it and thus avoid being called out more than once.
Now I will go even further with this line of thinking...
You can tell a smoker that smoking is bad for them, because smoking is on the outs socially in America. You can also call people out on drinking too much, snorting too much blow, smoking too much weed, or shooting the H. What makes these things the same? They are things that are not clearly visible to the discerning eye. The biggest problem we have in the United States today is an obesity epidemic and all the baggage that goes with it (Type II diabetes, heart disease, etc.) yet you cannot go up to someone and tell them to drop the waffle fries with liquid cheese and bacon because they are too fat. The double standard, and I try not to fall prey to it.
We, as a culture, need to be able to identify our strengths and weakness' and be able to take criticism for what it is... Something we need to improve upon, and someone was nice enough to point it out for us.
But for the time being, I will stick to making things up on the Internet.
-Jon Pee
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Working on working out.
I love Rocky IV.
I love especially love the training montage in it, Rocky vs. Siberian Communist Farm. It didn't inspire me to start working out, but it is inspiring the way I work out. Yeah, I am overweight and becoming self-concious about my lack of athletic prowess, so I am doing a remote version of Cross-Fit. My brother is a Level 1 trainer, so I am remotely tapping him as a resource to help me in this endeavor.
So here is my goal: No gyms, no standard workout equipment. Pull-up bars are okay because they are something you can make for very little. The goal here is to work out without the modern idea of fitness equipment. If I need something, I will need to engineer something out of a hardware store.
That being said, I have started simply, and I will buy into no novelty acts. I intend on getting a large tire to roll around my yard. Imagine doing it when the snow flies. This ought to cover my weightlifting options.
Needless to say, I have started with sit-ups, Push-ups, Burpees (they look as stupid as they sound), and jumping up my stairs. I guess the intended goal here is to break down that invisible wall people have with fitness being a membership type offering. It really has become a culture of haves and have-nots. No one needs a gym to get into great shape. Its all there, you just need to look for it.
Things I need thus far:
Sneakers
Stairs
Area to do push-ups and sit-ups
Concrete blocks
A rope fashioned into a jump rope
A quiet road to run on
A towel for under your back for sit-ups
Basically, its shit you should have hiding in your basement. The real trick here is going to be eating better. I am subscribing to the Paleo diet as I am also a type I diabetic (real diabetes). Figure the less carbs I put in the less insulin I need, and boom, Better health. I will also post numbers from my doctor as a decent barometer on how my overall health is. I can tell you right now, diabetic A1C level is sub-par, cholesterol is high, and basically I am sitting on the fence between average diabetic and bad diabetic.
Rage on, my friends, rage on.
I love especially love the training montage in it, Rocky vs. Siberian Communist Farm. It didn't inspire me to start working out, but it is inspiring the way I work out. Yeah, I am overweight and becoming self-concious about my lack of athletic prowess, so I am doing a remote version of Cross-Fit. My brother is a Level 1 trainer, so I am remotely tapping him as a resource to help me in this endeavor.
So here is my goal: No gyms, no standard workout equipment. Pull-up bars are okay because they are something you can make for very little. The goal here is to work out without the modern idea of fitness equipment. If I need something, I will need to engineer something out of a hardware store.
That being said, I have started simply, and I will buy into no novelty acts. I intend on getting a large tire to roll around my yard. Imagine doing it when the snow flies. This ought to cover my weightlifting options.
Needless to say, I have started with sit-ups, Push-ups, Burpees (they look as stupid as they sound), and jumping up my stairs. I guess the intended goal here is to break down that invisible wall people have with fitness being a membership type offering. It really has become a culture of haves and have-nots. No one needs a gym to get into great shape. Its all there, you just need to look for it.
Things I need thus far:
Sneakers
Stairs
Area to do push-ups and sit-ups
Concrete blocks
A rope fashioned into a jump rope
A quiet road to run on
A towel for under your back for sit-ups
Basically, its shit you should have hiding in your basement. The real trick here is going to be eating better. I am subscribing to the Paleo diet as I am also a type I diabetic (real diabetes). Figure the less carbs I put in the less insulin I need, and boom, Better health. I will also post numbers from my doctor as a decent barometer on how my overall health is. I can tell you right now, diabetic A1C level is sub-par, cholesterol is high, and basically I am sitting on the fence between average diabetic and bad diabetic.
Rage on, my friends, rage on.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
The life coach debate.
I had a girlfriend tell me once that I should seek the counsel of a "Life Coach". I laughed, grabbed a shot of hooch out of the freezer, and drank the shit out of that relationship. I think it lasted about 2-3 months after that to be exact. I wouldn't say I have a drinking problem, but I would say I have a problem once I start drinking.
This isn't about drinking though. Its actually about how I think life coach's are really outrageous jobs. I've seen people who claim to be life coach's. They really didn't help at all, and in fact they made a great many of my problems much, much worse. I have also seen professional therapists, but ultimately I think they are really happy just to have you come back. Actually, they hook you in for most of your life if you let them. Its a career choice, and they need you more than you need them.
I will contradict myself a little bit though, and I will state that from time to time, you may need that second or third party to help you through a bump in the road, or with a problem situation in your life. For those people who seek this help, good, as I have sought it out as well. It gives you a floor to stand on, an idea, a perspective that isn't familiar. But ultimately this isn't even about therapists, its about life coach's.
Life coach's are at least one of the following:
1. Too lazy to get the degree.
2. Too dumb to get the degree.
3. Apparently too enlightened to get the degree.
4. To inspired to get the degree.
5. Like to work out of home.
6. Like to work out of Mom's basement.
7. Couldn't hack it painting houses.
8. Couldn't hack it mowing lawns.
9. Probably couldn't hack it working at 7-11.
10. Very comfortable giving others advice.
11. Couldn't hack it following their own advice.
12. Ultimately, a waste of time.
Let me clarify some things before you think I am going overboard.
1. I am strictly referring to people who function as freelance life coach's.
2. I am not referring to therapists or high school guidance counselors.
So all said and done, I like people who work at something before they assign themselves a title. Life coach's are really good at injecting themselves into your problems and figuring out your life, while they barely have a handle on their own. I suppose this is a bigger phenomenon where I live in western mass than most places, but hey, I like it here.
Mainly I want people to figure out life all by themselves. I think we are getting away from that, and I think we just want a simple answer to the question "what should I do with my life?". It wasn't easy for me to figure this out, but I did. Life is and will be incredibly difficult part of the time. Life will also be incredibly amazing and make you cry with joy, sorrow, and everything in between. Life isn't easy, and you need to cuddle up to that fact because if you don't, it will kick your ass every chance it gets. I think life, love, work, and recreation can be summed up with a simple phrase: "You get as much back as you put in to it". I realize this is a "scratch my back and I will scratch yours" philosophy, but life won't scratch your back, So it really isn't that kind of philosophy at all. If some random person is reading this and maybe made it this far in, then I have a challenge if your feeling like your in the wrong career. Go to work, and actually work. Don't just do your job description, because job descriptions are just the shit you need to cover to keep from getting fired. Go beyond the title. Open your eyes and ears, and learn something. You don't need to hide behind the excuse of why your not getting promoted... Hold on a minute... I am life coaching, and I am going to stop.
I will end with the following sentence... We all gravitate towards the kind of work we are supposed to be doing, except life coaches.
-Jon Pee
This isn't about drinking though. Its actually about how I think life coach's are really outrageous jobs. I've seen people who claim to be life coach's. They really didn't help at all, and in fact they made a great many of my problems much, much worse. I have also seen professional therapists, but ultimately I think they are really happy just to have you come back. Actually, they hook you in for most of your life if you let them. Its a career choice, and they need you more than you need them.
I will contradict myself a little bit though, and I will state that from time to time, you may need that second or third party to help you through a bump in the road, or with a problem situation in your life. For those people who seek this help, good, as I have sought it out as well. It gives you a floor to stand on, an idea, a perspective that isn't familiar. But ultimately this isn't even about therapists, its about life coach's.
Life coach's are at least one of the following:
1. Too lazy to get the degree.
2. Too dumb to get the degree.
3. Apparently too enlightened to get the degree.
4. To inspired to get the degree.
5. Like to work out of home.
6. Like to work out of Mom's basement.
7. Couldn't hack it painting houses.
8. Couldn't hack it mowing lawns.
9. Probably couldn't hack it working at 7-11.
10. Very comfortable giving others advice.
11. Couldn't hack it following their own advice.
12. Ultimately, a waste of time.
Let me clarify some things before you think I am going overboard.
1. I am strictly referring to people who function as freelance life coach's.
2. I am not referring to therapists or high school guidance counselors.
So all said and done, I like people who work at something before they assign themselves a title. Life coach's are really good at injecting themselves into your problems and figuring out your life, while they barely have a handle on their own. I suppose this is a bigger phenomenon where I live in western mass than most places, but hey, I like it here.
Mainly I want people to figure out life all by themselves. I think we are getting away from that, and I think we just want a simple answer to the question "what should I do with my life?". It wasn't easy for me to figure this out, but I did. Life is and will be incredibly difficult part of the time. Life will also be incredibly amazing and make you cry with joy, sorrow, and everything in between. Life isn't easy, and you need to cuddle up to that fact because if you don't, it will kick your ass every chance it gets. I think life, love, work, and recreation can be summed up with a simple phrase: "You get as much back as you put in to it". I realize this is a "scratch my back and I will scratch yours" philosophy, but life won't scratch your back, So it really isn't that kind of philosophy at all. If some random person is reading this and maybe made it this far in, then I have a challenge if your feeling like your in the wrong career. Go to work, and actually work. Don't just do your job description, because job descriptions are just the shit you need to cover to keep from getting fired. Go beyond the title. Open your eyes and ears, and learn something. You don't need to hide behind the excuse of why your not getting promoted... Hold on a minute... I am life coaching, and I am going to stop.
I will end with the following sentence... We all gravitate towards the kind of work we are supposed to be doing, except life coaches.
-Jon Pee
Saturday, December 31, 2011
I won't make a resolution.
I won't make a New Year's Resolution. However, I will give you a list of things I won't do in this up and coming year.
1. I will not try cocaine or heroine. Not because I am anti-drug, but because its not really in my budget.
2. I will not buy an elephant. As awesome as it would be to own an elephant and call it Cupcake, I simply do not have the cash flow or the know how on how to pull this off. I will review this and create a how-to guide on elephant ownership.
3. I will not volunteer in a soup kitchen, unless they do a feature television piece on how awesome Jon Pee is.
4. I will not hire a clown for my daughters birthday.
5. I will not hire a life coach. Mainly because they are sort of silly. I will cover this in another post.
Okay, so that's five things I am pretty sure I can avoid doing. No let downs here. I can personally guarantee that I will not fail.
How about you?
1. I will not try cocaine or heroine. Not because I am anti-drug, but because its not really in my budget.
2. I will not buy an elephant. As awesome as it would be to own an elephant and call it Cupcake, I simply do not have the cash flow or the know how on how to pull this off. I will review this and create a how-to guide on elephant ownership.
3. I will not volunteer in a soup kitchen, unless they do a feature television piece on how awesome Jon Pee is.
4. I will not hire a clown for my daughters birthday.
5. I will not hire a life coach. Mainly because they are sort of silly. I will cover this in another post.
Okay, so that's five things I am pretty sure I can avoid doing. No let downs here. I can personally guarantee that I will not fail.
How about you?
It's close to the new year, and I...
1. Am pissed I am working. However the silver lining is that it should be done sooner rather than later.
2. Wonder why people make New Years resolutions. However, I suppose its good to change a bad thing for at least ten days.
3. Think I will eat an ungodly amount of Chinese food tonight, and then make my family suffer as I sit on the commode all day.
4. Wonder who the hell is in charge at the History Channel and why the hell do they want to scare the living piss out of everyone with half a brain. Clearly the Mayans were wrong, because they are already dead.
5. Am looking forward to a trip to San Diego.
2. Wonder why people make New Years resolutions. However, I suppose its good to change a bad thing for at least ten days.
3. Think I will eat an ungodly amount of Chinese food tonight, and then make my family suffer as I sit on the commode all day.
4. Wonder who the hell is in charge at the History Channel and why the hell do they want to scare the living piss out of everyone with half a brain. Clearly the Mayans were wrong, because they are already dead.
5. Am looking forward to a trip to San Diego.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)